Why I actually hate writing blog posts
This is so wildly challenging for me guys. It’s uncomfortable, and I literally cry almost every single time I sit down to write one of these.
You’re probably sitting there thinking, fuck lady, then stop doing it.
But here’s the thing, I know that by practicing my uncomfortably with this thing that I so desperately want to get better at that it will not only help me to be resilient enough to sit down here and try again the next time I have to write a post but also, the will I have inside me to forge on and to do it anyway will carry over, no doubt, into the rest of my life.
It’s why I think moving your body in a meaningful way everyday is so important because it tests your will not just to get moving but when you become PHYSICALLY uncomfortable to have a whole variety of opportunities to test your character again. You get to show yourself who you really are.
Why do I hate writing these so much? Because it takes me a really long time to be clear on what I’m trying to say and trust me when I say, when I feel some way about literally anything. I feel it. Deeply.
Every time I sit down to write, it never feels like it’s off my chest when I sit here to articulate it. Almost ever.
Weirdly enough, when I look at a picture it definitely helps with the clarity on things. For instance, Instagram allows me to choose a picture which I take pretty seriously, not for the look of my grid but because it has to convey the feeling I’m trying to convey. It has to be accurate and intentional.
I think it’s why it’s been so challenging for me to decide who I want to be and what I want to offer to the world. There are just so many stunning options, and I don’t know how to choose just one. *cough cough* multi-passionate is the only thing I know to be true. I have a lot of that thing. PASSION. Enthusiasm for dayzzzzz.
So I hate sitting down to write anything I don’t think is clear about what I’m truly passionate about expressing.
Like tonight I just sat down here and started writing, and I have about two pages of ramblings about my heart and how much it craves to work with people who want to rattle the cages of what’s possible in this world with their innate wondrous power. Yes, including you.
But here’s the thing, it takes SO MUCH DEDICATION and time and discipline to keep at it everyday. To relentlessly believe in your worth no matter how much the world or life or society’s messaging or your own damn fear is trying to keep you small.
I want to work with people who want to talk BIG with me. Rumble with curiosity. Things like the term, cultural diversity and how I wonder if people who get hired or accepted into places ever question their worth because they fill this gap that companies and schools are now looking for. Like do they ever think, “Am I here because I am the best person for the job, or because of helping with cultural diversity?” I wonder if we could bring psychologist or someone who looks at brain stuff to appoint people who could be the acceptance committee or hiring team that passed tests that they weren’t racist or genderist or all the other types of people that are biased against hiring simply on the criteria that whomever it is is just the best candidate for the job or the school or the whatever. I'm definitely not saying that we need to ignore the problem and not have cultural diversity but I'm not sure accepting or hiring people to fill a quota is the way to go? To just give one example on something that I thought about recently.
I want to work with people who look for the people in people and celebrate it, cultivate it, and help build spaces where more people feel belonging in the same way Me Too brought so many survivors together. Me Too is not just a movement, it’s a human connection across many many things we feel and keep silent about. Shame, pain, guilt, joy, success, they are all opportunities to collectively share and grow. What would that look like? Who would we be?
And yet, I still sit here staring at this screen thinking… this doesn’t even cover a small portion of what I feel about you. Yes, you. You are whole and flawed, and good and powerful just as you are right now. You don’t need to fix a single thing, you just need to know you’re capable of that thing you wish you could do, of all of them, and then you need to get to work to do it. If you’d like help, I’m sure I’d love to help you.
That leads me into thinking why there is such a disconnect with asking for help and how do we help with that…. and that’s maybe for another day but this is what’s on my heart today, and always what I’m thinking.